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All of Me

The first time I heard John Legends song, “All of Me”, something stirred inside of me. The stirring became an obsession as I began playing the song over and over again. The words were getting at something I was feeling but hadn’t yet been able to express. (If you aren’t familiar with the song, both a link to hear it and the lyrics are listed at the end of this blog)

I’ve been married 26 years. Happily. But this song exposed something that I hadn’t realized. I had been holding back in my relationship with my husband. And it was the “all of me” line in the lyrics that showed me this. I started to realize that I wasn’t really giving my all. I was giving my ‘most’.

I started to look more closely at my thinking and here is what I discovered…..

What I determined was unlovable about me, became something I had long ago decided my husband must also see as unlovable. It occurred to me that maybe I would lose that assumption and see what happened.

I was also struck by the line, ‘love your curves and all your edges.”. I know my husband very well. And he has some edges. I think up to this point, I had viewed marriage as making allowances for each other’s edges. But what if I actually started to love his edges? What if I saw his edges as a vital part of who he was?

And as I consider my marriage, I realize that with him, even when I lose, I win. Maybe things in my life don’t always go as I plan, disappointments come, frustrations pop up….but at the end of the day I am married to this amazing man. Even when I lose, I win.

Offering someone all of yourself requires great risk. Even having been married for a long time, there continues to be a part of me that wants to avoid risk. But sometimes not taking a risk is the biggest risk of all.

Now and then, I marvel that 32 years after we first met, I am as intrigued and attracted to my husband as I was on our first date. He is my worst distraction. Nobody’s opinion matters more than his. He is crazy and I am out of my mind. We know this. We embrace it. It’s what makes us laugh.

So what happened when I stopped deciding for him what was unlovable about me? He’s more relaxed. I don’t know that he ever hated those things. But my determination that he must, stood between us. When I took a risk and offered them to him (by letting go of my preconceived ideas) I gave him a gift in the form of trust. Without knowing what my motives were, he accepted the gift and my risk was rewarded.

What happened when I moved beyond just accepting his edges and began to love them? The change is in me. My ‘edgy’ responses towards his edges have softened. I want to love all of him. Not just the easily lovable parts. What good is it if all I can offer him is just a slightly stronger version of what the rest of the world offers him? In trying to see this differently, I have discovered that his ‘perfect imperfections’ are precisely what makes him HIM. And I love him. I don’t love a perfect idealized version of who he is or who he could be. I love him. His imperfections are perfect imperfections. They have always been what makes him uniquely him. My perspective has changed.

He is my end and my beginning. I love that the lyrics are written in that order. He isn’t my beginning and my end. He is my end and my beginning. The best part of my story starts with him and it will end with him. Every day together, is a new beginning.

Someday, one of us will be gone before the other. And if I am the one that goes last, I don’t want to live with any regret. I don’t want to think then of things I could have done differently. And if I were to go first, I want the assurance that I gave him everything I could, while I could. So every now and then I play this song. It’s a reminder to give it my all.

http://youtu.be/Mk7-GRWq7wA

“All of Me” by John Legend

What would I do without your smart mouth?
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright

My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, ohoh

How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, in my head for you

My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

Give me all of you
Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it’s hard

I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, ohoh

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Teenage Wisdom

“but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong” 1 Corinthians 1:27

Have you ever had the experience where people don’t respond in the way you expect that they will? A time when they actually respond better than you would have given them credit for? What did it teach you, about yourself and about them?

I experienced this first hand recently. And it reminded me that I often judge myself and others around me according to some arbitrary standard inside of me.

My son had been after me for years, to read a series of science fiction books he owned. He had loved the series and was certain I would as well. I had dismissed his suggestion, because the books seemed rather young. He had recently been doing a major cleaning of his room, getting rid of many of his belongings, but he had kept these books because he treasured them and was proud of owning the entire series.

A short time back, I was desperate for something to read. He again suggested the series he had loved. This time I listened and read them. There were 13 books in all. They told a wonderful story of perseverance and the search for truth, while holding up the virtues of friendship, trust and faith. The fact that there were dragons in the story, well that was an added bonus!

The books were quite addictive and I found as I neared the end of the series I could no longer wait till I went to bed at night to read, I needed to know what was happening in the story and I needed to know now! I began to take each book out with me so it would be ever present, in case I had a chance to read.

One day I was out with my son at a doctor’s appt and I brought book # 12 with me. It wasn’t until bedtime that I realized I had left the book at the doctors.

I checked the car and checked the house but the book was gone. I immediately told my son and his response was just a quiet acknowledgement.

The next day I called the doctor’s office, twice. Then I drove there. I searched where I waited and asked multiple people, but it was gone. Losing things is unusual for me. Losing something that held value to my son made me feel terrible.

That afternoon I told him of my unsuccessful search. He again met my story with a quiet acknowledgement.

And I learned something. I learned that my behavior in the same situation would not have measured up to my son’s response. Aren’t teens expected to react with drama and intensity? When I mentioned to him, how impressed I was with how he was taking this loss, he assured me, “Mom, you didn’t do it on purpose, it was an accident. It’s just a book.”

True. But I knew in my heart that when people do little things that threaten what I value – even if it is an accident, that my first, second and third responses often include anger, frustration and an overwhelming need to vent.

But deep down, I agree with my son. I don’t actually value things higher than people, so why doesn’t my behavior better reflect that?

I told him he had taught me something. Now I need to live like it was so.

(post script…..the book never was found but I have replaced it!)

	Adele Travisano on The Vigil
	Adele Travisano on The Vigil
	kalizasheart on Captured in a Photograph
	kalizasheart on Flash Mob at Dawn
	Adele Travisano on Flash Mob at Dawn

kalizasheart

discovering together, who we are

Tag Archives: what really matters

All of Me

Teenage Wisdom