Category Archives: Love

blog, dogs, living and growing, Love

Our Romeo part two

Romeo was a little fireplug of a dog. He was a scruffy Lhasa Apso who looked like an Ewok from Star Wars when his fur was growing out.

He failed puppy socialization class, and his distaste for other dogs continued for the rest of his life. But Romeo was a man of contradictions. If he ran into a dog on the street, he would snarl, snap, and appear ferocious. But if a dog entered our home….as they often did when we fostered…he welcomed them freely. Once inside, they were a member of our pack, and he offered no resistance.

Romeo was one of the best dogs I’ve ever seen around children. I trusted him completely, and he never once betrayed that trust. He loved to play with children and was gentle with babies. Kids responded to him immediately. They found a kindred spirit in him due to his small size and insatiable desire to play.

He enjoyed sitting with us when we would watch tv. In the winter, he was the softest, warmest blanket you could hope for.

We initially kept Romeo for my daughter, but he won us all over. Three years ago, our daughter got her 1st apartment. She wanted to take Romeo…it had always been the plan…but Romeo was older now. He couldn’t tolerate being alone, and his health was a concern. She reluctantly let go of the dream of taking him with her and did what was best for him.

Romeo developed separation anxiety when we all returned to work after things opened up following the Covid shutdown. He would often wake us up in the middle of the night. He needed a check-in….an assurance that we were still there and that all was right with the world.

He and I became fast friends. He was my constant companion. Not underfoot but always present. Keeping an eye on me.

When I was a kid, my dad always tried to get me to eat bananas. He often asked, ‘Would you like to share a banana?” As a kid, I couldn’t really be bothered to eat any fruit, but sometimes I would say yes, mainly because it pleased my father so much when I agreed.

Romeo loved bananas. Every day I would share my banana with him, and in that simple moment, my heart would be reminded of my dad. Romeo connected me to my past.

It wasn’t until he was gone that I realized how much he had shaped our world. When Romeo was around three years old, he began peeing on carpet. We couldn’t break him of it. So we put vinyl flooring down on our entire first floor for him.

In November of 2021, my mother went into hospice. That same week Romeo was diagnosed with a very serious heart condition. I was devastated. The vet said he could die at any moment. But….if they could get the right meds into him, he could possibly live up to two years. I begged God not to take my mother and Romeo at the same time. I was distraught. I very nearly lost it. The thought was so overwhelming that I needed therapy to get through it.

I knew I was losing my mother. I couldn’t lose Romeo too.

But we did find the right meds, and he kept plugging along for another year. In November of 2022, he went into heart failure. But in classic Romeo fashion, he didn’t let it faze him. He trotted into the exam room, and after the doctor performed an ultrasound, she looked at me and was astonished. “There’s no way,” she said, “that this dog should have been able to walk in here on his own steam! He is very sick. What a tough cookie he is!”

They added more meds and stabilized him again. The clock was ticking faster now, though. The first episode of heart failure indicates that it will happen again. And it did. 8 months later, while we were vacationing in NH, my friend called me. She was checking in each day with him, and he had been fine. Until he wasn’t.

“Romeo’s not doing well,” she said. Within a few hours of that call, I was back home along with my daughter and husband. Our insatiably playful dog was barely able to stand. Lifting his head was even too much. We took Romeo to the ER and got the news that I had been bracing for over a year and a half. They told us, “There’s no coming back from this.”

Romeo’s health had consumed the last 20 months of my life. His impending death colored all of my days. He had countless doctor visits, tons of meds along with diet and exercise changes, but he had kept on. Never losing his playfulness, joyful spirit, or appreciation for the people in his life.

Now though, it was time to let him go. Time to repay all the love he gave us with a love that puts his needs above our own.

Throughout the last 20 months, each time I would share the latest vet update with my daughter, she would declare, “Romeo is never going to die!” And it seemed that way. He beat the odds again and again. So even though I had been grieving his impending death for so long, there was still the thought that maybe he could rally again.

But it was evident in the ER. There would be no more rallying. He had managed to live for 20 months after his initial diagnosis, despite continued worsening….it was miraculous, really. But he had become a shadow of his former self.

I am realizing something now that he is gone. It was not in the way we were hoping for, but my daughter was right. Romeo will never die. He lives in our memories. It was not lost on us that Romeo had an enlarged heart. It seemed a physical representation of the love he embodied.

Romeo wasn’t the only one with an enlarged heart. His love caused our hearts to grow as well. He loved us, and we loved him. And love never dies.

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living and growing, death, mourning, Love, blogger, dogs

Our Romeo part one

Twelve and a half years ago, the holidays found us in challenging times. Our youngest daughter was struggling. In that season, our world revolved around her. We were desperate to find something that would help her.

Three days before Christmas, we received an email from the Animal Rescue League of Boston, whom we had been fostering for off and on. They had a dog in the shelter named Violet. Violet was pregnant and due any day. The shelter would be on a skeleton crew over the holidays, and they wondered….would we foster her?

We had a full life. Five kids between the ages of 19 and 11. It was Christmas. The house was bursting with activity, decorations, and busyness. Who in their right mind would say yes to this?!

We couldn’t help but wonder, though….could this pregnant dog, bursting with life inside her, help our daughter? Could this experience provide her with a distraction, a focus, or a purpose?

We said yes.

On December 26th, just past midnight, Violet gave birth. We watched five beautiful puppies be born. The second one out was so big we thought it was twins. It was not. But it was the dog that would become our Romeo.

For 8 weeks, those puppies stayed with us. We really liked two of them, but my husband and I were determined to not keep any of them. We had recently put one of our dogs down and still had another dog at home. We brought them back when they were finally ready for their forever homes. All of them.

Our daughter had been working on us, though. There was one in particular who had stolen her heart. We called the shelter. “Wait…” we said. “We want that one back.”

And so Romeo came back home, only leaving us long enough to be neutered. Romeo and our daughter grew up together. She overcame her struggles, and Romeo was a big part of that journey. We will always be grateful for the gift we were given that Christmas. A perfect little puppy who made all of our lives better. Our Romeo.

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#blog, death, dogs, letting go, Love

Daisy

Her behavior had been changing, and it worried me.  

I often had thought of our dog, Daisy, as a ‘cat dog’.  She loved us when food or walks were offered.  She loved a belly rub.  But otherwise, she loved us when she felt like it.  

Greeting us in the morning….greeting as we came in the door, were optional in her mind.  She expressed her connection to us when she wanted to.  Dog stereotypes be damned!

But then things started to change.  She jumped a gate in our house that was there to keep her from going upstairs to the 2nd floor.  It was the middle of the night, and she had never jumped it before.  For a dog that has had arthritis since she was a puppy….this was unexpected.  

She started to come over to me, frequently putting her head on my lap and staring at me.  Another new behavior.  

Other subtle changes occurred and I started to wonder and worry.  What was going on?  

She had always loved to be outside.  Sometimes getting her to come in from the outside could be a hassle.  She was happiest when she could roll around in grass or mud or just lay in the sun.  But then that changed too.  She started to sit on the cement walkway, looking in at the house.  She swapped sleeping on the grass for sleeping on the porch and oddly wanted to be inside more than out.

What was going on?

I took her to the vet.  An exam was performed. The diagnosis was anxiety and medication was prescribed.  I questioned this diagnosis.  It didn’t make sense to me.  Sudden onset anxiety?  Why?  What would have triggered it?  The vet had no answers but seemed confident in her assessment.  When I continued to press for answers, she told me that Daisy was now a senior dog and perhaps there was some dementia involved.  

We began the meds.  She jumped the gate again.   I watched her every move and knew she wasn’t feeling right. I spoke with the vet again; she thought her behaviors were still consistent with anxiety.

And then she jumped the gate a third time.  Desperately she needed to be with us.  It was the middle of the night. My husband and I came downstairs and sat with her, but she couldn’t settle.  She was panting heavily.  

As the night turned into day, I called the vet.  She thought it was a reaction to the meds that Daisy had been using for anxiety.  I told her that didn’t make sense.  She had taken the same medication for arthritis pain in the past without any trouble.  The doctor suggested I stop the meds.  But the behaviors the doctor attributed to the medication were the same behaviors she had before the pain meds…only now they were worse.  Her advice didn’t sit right with me.  Clearly, I could not rely on her to figure this out.

After several hours of struggling with what to do, I called a local animal hospital.  We brought her in, and with a simple rectal exam, they discovered the problem.  

There was a mass.  An ultrasound revealed that it was quite large.  It encircled her spleen and pelvic area.  Hemangiosarcoma was suspected.  They sedated her to do a needle aspiration.  They tried multiple times, but the needle was filled with blood each time it came out.  This didn’t bode well. It meant blood vessels were involved providing this mass with an unlimited food supply.

The news was jarring.  I knew something was wrong with her.  I knew the original vet was wrong in her assessment.  But cancer?  

We’ve had Daisy since she was 8 weeks old.  We picked her over all the other adorable puppies online.  Other than arthritis, she has been an exceptionally healthy dog.  She’s only 8 years old.  We’ve never lost a dog that young.  

Yet here we were.  

More surprising than hearing she had cancer was hearing the time frame of her impending death.  Maybe a month?  Given the type of cancer suspected, the real threat would be how she might die.  The mass could rupture at any time, causing massive internal bleeding.  

We could try to get a month more with her.  They gave us medication to help her with the pain.  We began the meds.  But the huffing to try and get enough air, panting from pain, and staying close to us continued and worsened….she was clearly uncomfortable.  If you didn’t know what was happening, you might think she looked healthy and strong.  Her tail would wag briefly if a favorite person walked into the room.  But we were tasked to look beyond the disguise, beyond what our hearts wanted to see.  

She had behaved like TV’s Lassie.  She climbed mountains and forded streams (in the form of jumping a gate!)  to let us know she needed help.  

Taking her to the hospital wasn’t enough.  Giving her pain meds wasn’t enough. We had to love her enough to let her go.   

Our other dog, Romeo, has been fighting a terminal disease for a year and a half.  Knowing he has so little time left with us has been breaking my heart every single day.  Yet he’s still here!  Getting worse, but holding on.

I never anticipated that Daisy would go first.  She was four years younger than Romeo and outwardly seemed strong and healthy.  Yet here we were. 

Because of her independent spirit, I don’t think I fully realized how strongly  I felt about Daisy until it was time to let her go.  I have been mourning Romeo’s impending death for 18 months.  With Daisy, there was one month of mysterious symptoms and less than three days to say goodbye.  While I had been bracing for Romeo’s death, Daisy’s sneaked in.  

With Daisy around, I always felt safe.  She never had to come to my rescue, but I was confident she wouldn’t hesitate if I needed her.  With her shepherd-like bark, she sounded menacing.  If you were a small animal, she was deadly.  But to us, she was just Daisy.  A fur shedding machine who loved being outside just as much as she loved rotisserie chicken and new smells.  She was the first female dog we ever had. 

She was our girl.  Our sweet Daisy, and we will miss her. 

RIP Daisy:  also affectionately known as….. Dazer Tazer, Daisy Crockett, Do a little dollop of Daisy, Daisy Dukes and Daisy Girl.   

June 3, 2015 – July 1, 2023

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Love, Uncategorized

Love expressed…

Expressions of love can appear in so many forms. On a Valentine’s day not so long ago, it was expressed in the form of a little song, quickly made up and sung off key.

A few years back, my husband, Scott, a school teacher, had a two hour delay because of a storm. Because of this, he was home when I went to wake our teenage daughter up. As I opened the door to her room, he quickly stepped up beside me. We walked in together and spontaneously I started to sing – an old song from when our kids were young. My husband joined in. Then we launched into a Happy Valentine’s Day song sung to the tune of Happy Birthday. As we did that, Scott walked around the other side of her bed and together we bent down and kissed her.

And then we left her to get ready for the day.

And a thought occurred to me.  Never, growing up, had my parents come into my bedroom and sung to me.   Scott said that he had never experienced that either.

Yet we had just done that. We had done something we weren’t taught. Later, I realized that over the years, we’ve done similar things like that with all our kids. Spontaneously loving them through song or dance or hugs or kisses.

And I thought about how as parents, it seems that our desire is always to give to our kids some elusive thing we didn’t have as children.  It’s a desire, older than time itself.   Regardless of what our childhoods were like we want more for our children.

But usually that ‘more’ comes in the form of things, or opportunities.  But on that particular Valentine’s day, it came in the form of songs and kisses and two parents, united in their purpose to love on their daughter when the opportunity presented itself.

Some days we feel guilty about the opportunities we let pass by. Opportunities to express our love for one another.

And some days, we manage to express it just right.

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grandparenting, living and growing, Love, new life, perspective

Mine Not Mine

It had been 23 years.

23 years since I last held a baby that was only hours old. People don’t seem to often talk about what it’s like…the moment you become a grandparent. When people hear you are going to become a grandparent, they smile a soft sort of smile and tell you, “there’s nothing like it!”.

But nobody mentioned how I might feel when I first held him in my arms. I found it to be surreal. Wonderful…and very confusing. This baby was not mine, but also somehow a part of me. As I held him, I looked over at my daughter lying in the hospital bed and my son-in-law standing beside her and I knew this baby was theirs. But the last time I had held a baby that had just been born, it was my own. Five times I held my own newborn babies and now fast forward 23 years and I was holding this little person. And he was both my own and not my own.

Holding him ignited something inside of me. Something I hadn’t felt since my last child was born. A fierce mother bear feeling bursting with a love so strong that it made me want to protect him. But he wasn’t mine to protect. Not in that mother bear sort of way at least. I was going to need to learn a new way to love and protect. A softer way. A grandmotherly way.

For the first couple of months every time I held him, I would remind myself he wasn’t mine. In case this sounds crazy, let me clarify. I knew he wasn’t mine. I did not long for him to be mine. But having raised five kids, I was familiar with one role. The role of mother. I was proficient at mothering. Mothering was a role I had lots of practice in and when that little baby was in my arms, the instinct was to mother him.

But he was mine, not mine.

He had a mom and a dad, both of whom were doing a great job. So what was my job?

I had heard of some of the grandmother job requirements….at least the stereotypes. Look matronly, wear an apron, bake cookies. Be soft, safe and comforting. Grey hair up in a bun on the top of my head. The list goes on. But much of that list was more a caricature of a grandparent than the real thing.

I had also heard things grandparents said about grandparenting. Things like: ‘It’s a second chance!’ ‘It’s like parenting but without the same stress and you get to send them home at the end of a visit!’ ‘You get to spoil them!’ And although I liked some of those ideas, they still didn’t really help me figure out what my role was supposed to be. Each time I held him, I reflected on my new title of grandmother and the role that came with it.

I would think things like: I am a grandmother to a grandson. Hmmm. Boys can be a handful. What do boys need? I had a great example with my own mom. My oldest son could be a handful when he was young. His antics would get his grandfather and uncles annoyed. But often as we were leaving their house, my mother would stop him at the front door, take his face in her hands, say his name and then tell him, “You’re a good boy!” She wasn’t negating all the annoying things he had done. She was reminding him that she saw the goodness in him too. She knew he was much more than the sum of his annoying antics. And she reminded him of what she saw in him every chance she got. That’s the kind of grandmother I want to be. I want to be there to remind him of his value. Even in those times both when he devalues himself and when the world sends him messages that could try to rob him of his value.

He’s nearly 7 months old now. I no longer struggle with my role. I’ve come to appreciate the mine, not mine status. There is a truth to it. He is mine, in that he is my grandson. He is both an extension of my husband and myself and someone new created by my daughter and her husband; he is theirs. These connections give me my status. He and I are connected, forever grandmother and grandson.

When I spend time with him I am filled with awe and wonder. It’s the same awe and wonder I felt with my own children. But I am no longer striving to raise a family. I’m able to enjoy him without the pressure of the daily responsibilities for him. It doesn’t mean I don’t worry for him. I know the world my own kids had to navigate as they grew. He will face those things as well. I hope I am able to be around for a long time, making sure that he knows he’s a good boy. As his grandmother, I see it already and I will never let him forget.

So I’m writing my own Grandmother job description. A description that includes seeing him through eyes of awe and wonder. Appreciating him and showing and telling him that his grandmother loves him. And maybe someday, the requirements might include baking cookies and my hair turning gray. But for now I’ll be content with being amazed by each new thing he does. To be a soft, safe place might just be the greatest gift I could give my grandson and any future grandchildren that come along.

The distinction of him being mine and not mine may continue to surface from time to time. But I am settling in quite happily to my new role. And like seasoned grandparents had promised, there is indeed, nothing like it!

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appreciation, change, clarity and direction, comfort, death, dying, enlightenment, eternal life, families, honesty, hope, letting go, living and growing, Love, mourning, new life, peace, perspective, spiritual growth, struggles

Living in the Valley

I moved to the valley, eleven years ago when my father first got sick.  Six years ago, he died.  I thought at some point after his death I would move out of the valley.  Instead, my mother, after years of caring for my Dad, got sick and my life in the valley continued.

You probably know this valley.  It’s the same one mentioned in Psalm 23….”Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.”  Yeah, that valley.

I chose to move here years before I understood where I was moving to.  Back when I was young and had no idea of what it would cost me. I knew I wanted to stay in the same city as my parents.  My plan always was to care for them, when the time came.

The funny thing about moving to the valley is that you don’t necessarily realize you’ve moved until you’ve lived there for a while.  The move is both gradual and sudden.  Your loved one ages and you start to help in little ways.  A sudden illness or injury and you help out a bit as they recover.  What you don’t know at the time, is that sudden injury or illness is starting a chain of events that would have overwhelmed you had you ever realized your address had just changed and there was no moving back any time soon.

We all know what valleys look like.  They are low places, with shadows that hang over on all sides..  And these low places are filled with things most of us try to avoid.  Like fear and death. In the valley, fear takes on a life of it’s own…it has a form and a shape and it looks like death.  The threat of death, is always lurking in the shadows.  And then there’s the bone wearying tiredness and overwhelming and sometimes debilitating sense of loss, along with a need to always be on guard for the next problem.

In the valley you learn to fight.  Against ignorance…your own and others.  You fight against your nightmares, which threaten to become reality.  You fight to do what’s right. You fight against yourself when you want to quit and with others when they want you to quit.  The valley can be an exhausting place.

With all the lows of the valley, one might think it is a place to avoid.  Certainly anyone who chooses to live there can’t be right in the head!

But here’s the thing….there is beauty in the valley.  Beauty you can’t see anywhere else. There’s a beauty in the valley that transcends even what a mountain top view can offer. And the company in the valley is the reason for the view.  Psalm 23….The psalm that talks about walking through the valley of the shadow of death, also gives a promise.  And it’s the promise that provides the beauty.

“Yea,though I walk though the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for YOU are with me…..”.

Early on in the valley, I feared evil.  I was terrified by it.  Death was evil.  It was the enemy that you knew would win in the end, but that you would fight against with all your might.  The exhaustion that comes with fighting an enemy that is guaranteed to win is not only exhausting, it’s foolish.

I was controlled by my fears until I met Submission.   Submitting to the reality of our inability to control when someone dies moves you from a very dark valley, to a new valley where there is beauty and potential….right in front of you, that you are now freed up to see.  Submission is not giving up.  It’s not laying down the fight.  But it is recognizing what you can and can’t control.  Its choosing when and where to fight.  It allows you to see who the real enemy is.

Sometimes the enemy is ourselves…Fear is everywhere in the valley.   Left to our own devices, fear can overtake us.  But when I remember that the Psalm promises….”YOU are with me”...the fear is tamed and in the best moments, it is vanquished.

That YOU it mentions, is the Creator of Heaven and Earth.  I don’t just have a good friend or family member with me…..(though praise God when I do)……I have the God of the Universe with me!  He reminds me that even though I live in the valley, the valley isn’t all there is.  I’m choosing to live here for a time, so that the people I love don’t have to walk through this place alone.  Walking alongside someone who is in the valley, has eternal significance.

God knows how we look at death.  He knows how death and the fear of death motivates our choices.  He knows we need him beside us to walk though this valley.  When we freely and willingly go through the valley so someone else won’t be there alone, we are doing exactly what He has done for us.

And that is what love does.  It comes alongside.  It sits with us in the mess that the end of life can bring.  It is a place filled with loss and sadness.  They grieve and you grieve with them.  You grieve for the pain they feel.  For who they were and what has been lost. Their address has changed since coming to the valley and it makes them disoriented.  You remind them, no matter where they live, whether it’s in a place they’ve always known, or a dark valley or in heaven…they are loved.  You are the physical hands and feet of Jesus as they journey to what’s waiting for them, at the other side.  It’s an opportunity to bring light to the shadows and love to dark places.  And that love, makes it all worthwhile.

So these days, if you’re looking for me, you’ll find me in the valley.  I’m not sure how long I’ll be staying, but I won’t regret a moment spent here.  For although the walk is shadowed by death, the path is filled with life and love.

 

 

 

 

 

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appreciation, families, Love, mothers

Mom

I don’t know how to talk about her.   I never have.   My love for her grows up from such a deep place within me that words have always seemed elusive.  Few others matter as much as her.  Still, the words to describe how I feel about her, seem to slip away before I can pin them down.   Perhaps others might feel this as well?  There’s just something about mothers that make them so significant that they evade definition by the sheer magnitude of their importance.

I used to write about my Dad all the time.  Especially when he was alive.  Birthdays, Father’s Day and any other holiday that might require a gift of words.    It was easy to gift him this.  I could write pages about him.   The words flowed easily and often.   He was larger than life.   And he loved the words.  Loved to hear how he was seen.  How he was loved.

My mother asked me once, why I didn’t often write things about her?   She misunderstood it, I think, to mean that she meant less.   But the opposite was true.   She meant so much more, that my heart wouldn’t allow me the words to describe it.   She isn’t larger than life, she is life.

But she’s turning 86 this week.  And I know I can’t avoid it forever.   I don’t want the first words I write about her to be a eulogy.   I want her to KNOW.   So here is what feels like a feeble attempt at describing what she means to me.

I think, perhaps I can explain some of it through who I have become by being loved by her.  If you are my husband, or child and you are sick.   I am there for you.   I will climb mountains, sacrifice both my own health and my sleep, pray deeply and spare no expense…to do all within my power to restore you to health.  I will not think twice about this.   I consider it my greatest honor and my duty to be able to love you.  For when you are hurt I am hurt.   This I learned watching my mother.

Thinking back to the times when I was sick during my childhood, I can still hear my father in the middle of the night, waking up my mother….”Beverly, she’s calling you….”   I never called for him.   Always her.   She knew how to soothe.  How to comfort.   Her hands were always cool and refreshing to a fevered brow.   It seemed she could make me better just by willing it to be so.

When I grew and left home, it took me years of dealing with late night illnesses, before I stopped longing for her presence when I was sick.  It was one of the hardest things to give up when I moved away.

And my mother KNOWS things.   She always has.   Still to this day even.   “Are you alright?” she’ll ask.   I have revealed nothing, yet she knows.   I love that.   It’s an instinct she has.   Cultivated over years of having to read between the lines with her children.  And no matter her age, this instinct is as sharp as ever.

My mother is a part of everything I have become.   When I am like my dad, I am noticed.  But when I am like my mother, I am loved.  People just love her.   She’s the person you bump into in the grocery store and end up telling your life story to.   You don’t know why you did it, she didn’t ask, but something about her openness compels you.  She is a safe place to reveal yourself.   This is part of what always made her a great secret keeper!   I could tell her anything.

The funny thing about my mother is that she doesn’t even grasp how much she is loved.  She struggles with feelings of unworthiness.  Her life long focus has always been so much on others that her world is off kilter when the emphasis is on her. She often thinks people are catering to her out of the goodness of their hearts.   When the truth is they are responding to her in love and with love – a love that is just for her.

I can’t change this about her, but I have tried.  I’ve tried to impress upon her the significance she plays in her children’s lives…but she can’t hold on to it.  She struggles to understand her own great worthiness. Recently she said to me, “Won’t you be so glad when I’m gone?   You’ll have some free time!”   These words hurt, but she doesn’t mean them to.   She hates to impose.  Hates to take.   And she so values me and my time that taking up some of it feels like a tremendous burden to her.

Will I be happier when she’s gone?  Not a chance.   There is not one moment of time that I have spent with her that I would exchange for something else.   And I know, no matter how many more moments I have, there will never be enough time with her.   I will always want more.

I grew up being told by her (repeatedly!!), “You should never hate anyone.”   I was the dramatic child who hated everyone and everything when frustrated.   Her words drove me crazy.   Didn’t she understand, some things deserved to be hated?  But I regularly hear her saying that in my head these days and the older, less drama driven version of myself, recognizes the beauty in what she tried to impress upon me.   She was right.  Little did I know, she was shaping how I see others.

But she has also shaped how I see myself.  I showed her something I wrote the other day.  She read it, smiled and responded with , “You are really something!!”  And when she says it, I believe it.  I feel like something.   Who else on this planet thinks of me and thinks, “She is really something!!” in the way my mother does?  All blinders to my faults, seeing only the good…..when she says it, you know it’s only a part of who you are but she sees the best part.   And it makes you want to be even better.

My mother has always been a kind, gentle soul.  A fierce protector of those she loves.  There have been moments though, where she has had to rise to tough challenges.   Like the time when I was hit by a car at 16.   My leg was shattered.  One bone in a million little pieces and the other coming right out of my leg.   My foot torn up so much that the bones could be seen.  My mother entered the emergency room and the doctor put her to work.  I don’t know where the rest of the staff were that day, but while I lie awake on a table, the doctor and my mother proceed to clean my leg.  It was a slow, painstaking process.   I know I was in agonizing pain but I don’t remember the pain.  What I remember from that moment was my mother.  She was a rock!  She assisted the surgeon, did everything he asked and did it well.  How on earth, did she do it?  I still don’t know.   But the image of the strength she portrayed that day has stayed with me ever since.

Yes, she’s a kind, gentle soul who did whatever she needed to do for those she loved.  I’ve been the beneficiary of that love and devotion my entire life.  So when I’m spending time with her, I’m not thinking about where I might rather be or what else I could be doing.  Instead, I’m thinking….I love this woman.   Every moment with her is a gift.  And it’s a gift I can never get enough of

Happy Birthday Mom.  I love you.

 

 

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Love, marriage

Milestones

This week my husband and I celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary. I’m proud of this milestone we’ve hit. And I’m grateful that we not only made it to 30 years but that we made it here strong. Intact. Together. Truly happy, together.

Marriage can be hard. Insanely so sometimes. But it’s also the most satisfying thing on the planet when you get it right. And miraculously, overall, we have gotten it right. Which is amazing when you consider we were kids when we met. I was 16 and Scott was 17. A high school junior and senior. One date, led to us going out. And breaking up. And going out. We went out for 3 years and and that was followed by a sometimes rocky, 3 year engagement.

We were strangers when we started dating. And in some ways, we remained strangers for quite some time. Preconceived ideas about how relationships work and who the person is that you are dating can get in the way of truly knowing each other. We started out as opposites and we still have some basic characteristics that are very different from each other. But over the years we have learned to appreciate and value those differences. And in many ways, after 30 years, we have become alike.

Scott discovered Jesus 31 years ago. A year later I joined him on that journey. And for me, it was my marriage that made me open my heart to Christ. I watched Scott pursue this new way of life…I saw him embarking on a journey without me. And I determined I would go too, so we could stay on the same path. Eventually my faith became my own. Real and powerful. But it was my devotion to my marriage that made me take the first step.

Scott and I, always seem to chose the hard thing. We haven’t done it on purpose but its one of the ways that we are alike. We had responsibility even before we had kids, being the house parents to 9 adults with intellectual disabilities for 3 years. Then we bought a house and invited family to stay with us….got a dog, and before we knew it, had kids. Before our first child was 3 months old we were doing foster care for hard to place teens. We decided we wanted me to stay home with the kids- which meant we were broke for years! We took in more family. We took in friends. We had more kids…..and more kids. People routinely told us they ‘didn’t know how we did it” or the less tactful ones told us we were crazy. I guess we were, but we had each other so crazy felt pretty good. Then we decided to homeschool, The craziness continued.

But we made it through it all, pretty happy and content. And I think there are some secrets to our success. One secret is laughter…we crack each other up. We are not afraid to look silly or be silly and this has saved us unnecessary heartache. Heartache is self inflicted when you take yourself too seriously.

We also have always made it a point to do kind things for each other. We go out of our way to try and make each other’s lives more comfortable. We don’t keep score, we just do for each other because the other person is our favorite person on the planet and we want them to feel that. And during those times when we don’t ‘like’ each other very much…we still do it. Because kindness has a way of changing both the giver and the receiver’s hearts.

We have learned to keep our negative thoughts about each other between ourselves. Ok, Scott was always good at this. I was not. But he taught me how my complaining about him to others was hurtful and I listened. It doesn’t mean we don’t tell each other how we feel….we do. But we stop there.

And communication….we make talking – a priority. It hasn’t always been easy. Life is insistent and annoying and constantly wars for our attention. But we fight for time together to connect and share.

We have also learned together, the power of physical touch….even when you want to be mad. Even when you are mad or the other is mad at you. We’ve learned we need to not let walls be built and touch is the perfect way to stop them from growing.

We’ve learned patience. We’ve learned to let each other keep growing, We’ve learned to actually encourage each other to grow.

We’ve learned that neither of us can be everything for the other person. Sometimes it comes close, but most of the time, we need other people in our lives too. Friends, family. Making time for them is important to us. It’s not always easy to juggle this though. 30 years into our marriage and we still long for and need time together to stay balanced and healthy. With many things on our plates – sometimes, something has to give. We try not to let it be our relationship that has to sacrifice. But sometimes, times with friends is exactly what we need.

We’ve learned to forgive each other for not being perfect. For not meeting some unrealistic ideal. And we’ve discovered the importance of forgiving when disappointed. Little disappointments can add up and cause great division, if couples aren’t careful. It has happened to us. But we’ve been fortunate. Over time we saw what was happening and made a choice to forgive. Forgiveness doesnt come easily. Often it has to be fought for. But the battle isnt against our spouse. The true battle is against ourselves and the desire to hold a grudge.

I know I am blessed. People tell me how lucky I am. To still be ‘in’ love, 30 years later. And I am. I look forward to seeing him every day…..when I wake up, when he comes home from work and the moments in between. We haven’t done this marriage thing perfectly. We’ve had our ups and downs, just like most couples have. But we started this journey, determined. Determined to make it together.

I still see my husband as the most interesting person I have ever met. I see his flaws, we know each other’s flaws better than anyone else does. But I have discovered that I love him best when I allow him to be imperfect.

Our shared faith gets big credit in our story. We started our journey without it. And although we knew we wanted to be together, before sharing a faith, our relationship was rocky. So much depended on our abilities to sustain a good attitude and the right thinking. After we came to faith we discovered we now had a foundation to build on. Faith gave us a reason, so much bigger than ourselves and our fickle humanness, to work at loving each other well.

Hey, we still can annoy each other. We can still drive each other crazy and need space from each other. But even those thoughts are more balanced now. It’s ok and actually good to have a little space now and then. It is not a poor reflection on us that we need it. But our willingness to make time for ourselves is a reflection on our greater understanding of the things that ultimately make us stronger.

We realize that many people never get to experience what we have enjoyed. We see the last 30 years as a gift. The good and the bad. The happy times and the struggles. Our lives are so intertwined we can’t imagine them separate. We’ve built something of great value.

We have seen friends struggle in their marriages and we have seen marriages end. We can understand the struggle – it hasn’t been all sunshine and happiness for us. We’ve had regrets. We’ve felt sorrow for some of the choices we’ve made over the years. When our regrets loom large, we remind each other of our successes. We determine together if there are things we can do differently, moving forward, and we strive to encourage each other towards effective change. And we pray….individually and together, remembering that it is our faith that keeps us strong.

As this week leads up to my wedding anniversary on March 6th, I’ll continue reflecting on this 30 year milestone. Our story has been full of great love. And the hard parts have been softened and made bearable by that love. Two imperfect people, choosing to walk together on a journey. Choosing each other. Choosing love.

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